Category Archives: Short Stories

The Family Vernacular

Mother and Father Guildford sat at the dining room table, conscious of the young ears present in their company. The two sprogs shovelled peas and carrots into their mouths, apparently more intent on consuming than listening.

Mother Guildford questioned her husband, “At this time of year of the death of our Saviour, were you able to purchase the seasonal confectionery?”

“Affirmative,” said Father Guildford. “And I also was able to purchase the prescribed item for someone’s chronological advancement.”

Mother and Father Guildford eyed their children, but no spark of recognition interrupted the clink of cutlery on china. As intuitive ears had long been able to spell, Mother and Father found new ways to converse without letting on.

“Got a call from my mother today,” said Father Guildford. “She told me that Mrs Hannah from across the road bought the farm.”

“That’s sad. When are the arrangements for?”

“Next Tuesday. Kids, how was school today? What was the best part of the day for you?”

Young Master replied, “Best part was Recess, Lunch and Home Time.”

His elder sister rolled her eyes at the ceiling. Then she cast the line to snare her father, “Today, we learnt all about the reproductive system from the pages of ‘Girlfriend’ magazine.”

A choking sound followed a snort. Father Guildford went red in the face. The elder girl smiled to herself.

Taking his glass of wine to wash away the idea of his little girl growing up, he caught a strange odour. Father Guildford wrinkled his nose, his face contorting. “Which one of you let fluffy off the chain?”

“It wasn’t me, Dad,” said the elder girl.

Young Master added, “Nah, I didn’t crack the sewer pipe.”

All eyes turned towards Mother Guildford. “I place the blame squarely on the dog.”

The Armchair Philosophers

Samuel and Jeffrey took up their afternoon positions on the back deck, beverages in hand and a plate of snacks between them.

In the dimming afternoon sun they listened to the squeals of kids on backyard trampolines and the pings of bicycle bells and loose chains rattle down the side laneway.  The neighbourhood dogs joined in the conversation from time to time.

The pensive mood had taken over as they relaxed into the camaraderie.

“You know what, Sam,” said Jeff.

“What?”

“What if the Tooth Fairy wasn’t real?”

Sam stopped midway reaching for a piece of rockmelon.  “That would be the biggest trick ever exposed.  What makes you say that?”

“Well, my older sister lost a tooth the other day.  She put it in a glass of water…”

“My older brother put his under his pillow,” interrupted Sam.

Jeff continued, “I don’t think it matters which one it is, but the ritual is the important part.  As I was saying; she put it in a glass of water and the next morning there were coins in the glass.  She said it was payment for the tooth.”

“Wow,” said Sam reaching for a cracker and a piece of cheese.  “I haven’t lost a tooth yet.  But I’ve got one that is beginning to get wiggly.”

Jeff took a sip of his apple juice from his Transformers cup.  “Same here.  But then, when we were at breakfast, she said to me that it wasn’t the Tooth Fairy, but that it was really Mum and Dad.”

“What did you say to that?”

“I said ‘liar liar pants on fire’ but she said ‘Nuh uh.  It is Mum and Dad.’ I said she was the worst big sister in the whole wide world for lying and I said that I hope a boy kisses her one day. And she likes it.”

Sam spluttered his apple juice through his nose.  “Oh, kissing.  That’s gross.  I hope the Tooth Fairy knows that we still believe in her.  I’m saving up for a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle action figure and I need the cash.”

Jeff nodded in affirmation of their shared belief.  They digested their food and shared faith in the currency exchange for lost teeth.

Sam broke the silence, “If the Tooth Fairy isn’t real the next thing you know they’ll be telling us that apple juice doesn’t taste as good when you turn ten.”

Sprinklers In Summer

Darren leant on the back verandah railing, twisted the bottle cap off a beer and watched the summer sun begin to dip lower than cleavage in a bikini.  The beer was a cool cascade after an afternoon working in the yard.  The scent of mowed lawn was intoxicating, blended with the jasmine across the back fence.

His twenties were receding and summer reminded him of ice cream and watermelon, sunburn and sandy feet.  He remembered not wanting summer to end because it meant shiny new black leather school shoes and socks and blisters, rather than bare feet and board shorts.

He waved to his wife, Robyn, through the lounge room window.  She thought he was mad working in the summer heat, waving back at him from air-conditioned comfort.

“Last job,” thought Darren as he skipped down the back steps.  He dragged the garden hose and positioned the sprinkler near the summer flowers.  Sipping from his beer he turned the tap and watched the three-legged whirligig spin into action.  A hundred thousand watery prisms spun away, refracting summer’s afternoon light.  He drank deeply in his nostrils the moistening earth.

He inched closer to the perimeter of the sprinkler, letting the drops touch his feet.  They were icy at first, skittering over the bare, sun-drenched skin of his feet.  He took a step back but the watery touch was inviting.  He let the droplets caress his feet while sipping at his beer.  The liquids combined, refreshing parched bodies of earth and flesh.

Darren was buoyed by the dizzying elation of a hundred thousand droplets.  He dashed back to the verandah and put down his beer.  Looking around, his t-shirt and shorts were quickly discarded.  With childish glee he ran back to the sprinkler and cavorted under the water in nothing but his underpants.

Leaping and jumping over the sprinkler he felt like a child again.  He ran back to the tap and turned it up higher until the spray reached above his head.  He stood at the centre of the sprinkler and let the sweat and dirt and grass drip off his body.  The grass squelched under his feet and Darren watched the mud ooze up between his toes.  He wiggled his feet as water dripped off the end of his nose.

“Having fun there, sweetheart?”  Robyn stood on the verandah, hand on her hip and a glass of lemonade in the other.

“Yep.”

“And I see you’re wearing your best yard work underpants.”

Darren looked down, his fringe flopping in front of his eyes in wet strands.

“Yep.”

Robyn laughed, bent down and turned off the sprinkler.  The water fell into the lawn, seeping away with pops and crackles.  Darren simply grinned.

The Railway Crossing

Thomas and I usually sat astride our bikes at the railway crossing.  Because it was near enough to town, it had those red and white striped boom gates that lowered at the approach of a train and the metallic warning bells, tink-tink, tink-tink, an arrhythmic metronome.  The day’s silence would be broken by the repeated admonition of the bells and the gates would lower like a parental warning.

It was our boundary marker.  This was as far as we were allowed to go.  Our house was at the edge of town but close enough to taste the wheat and cow manure of the outlying farms.

We waited for the freight trains to pass by, feeling the cadence of the wheels through the earth after the asthmatic growl of the diesel engines.  When we were younger, we counted carriages: one, two, three, four… fifty-five, fifty-six.  The dull brown coal trucks smeared in the mineral intestines of earth’s darkened guts; the varied boxes of shipping containers arranged like children’s building blocks in random colours and shapes.  They came and went as a procession.  We would wave to the driver who replied with a blast of the air horn.

As we grew older we would lie with our ears to the track to hear the thrum of the approaching engines vibrate down the length of the track.

Thomas, four years older than me, dared to ride his bike across the track and wait on the other side for the train to pass through.  I still felt the sting of shame at defying my parents.

He would pick at the loose gravel and attempt to throw it between the passing carriages at me on the other side.  More often than not he would simply hit the side of the coal car, but he soon developed an eye that could chuck a stone through the gap, skittering away at my feet.  More than once he hit me in the head.

The railway was my boundary.  For Thomas it was a pathway.  With each train that passed, I watched my brother move further and further away.

The night of the argument, Thomas threw words like stones.  He had seen too many trains pass through in the day, heard their passage in the night, to be bound to a small country town.

Thomas drove away in anger.  I chased him on my bike.  He crossed the railway line and the bells began their warning.  I watched his tail lights strobe between the carriages.  The flashing red signals of the level crossing stopped and the tink-tink of the bells ceased, replaced by the fading red taillights of my brother’s car and the cloud of dust raised as a curtain between us.

Why The Tooth Fairy Didn’t Pay Up Last Night

Wrote this on the spur of the moment for a friend who forgot to deliver for the Tooth Fairy.  And it was used to explain the lack of funds.

Thought you might like it.

The Tooth Fairy was about to leave for her rounds when she discovered that her wings wouldn’t start.  She whipped out her Fairy Fone and dialed ELF (Emergency Lepidoptera Fixers) to come and jump start her wings. She was told that a technician would be there within the hour.  Tooth Fairy sat and waited, making a cup of nettle tea while she waited.  Nearly an hour later, the ELF technician arrived.

He “oohed” and “aahed” and prodded and lifted her wings this way and that way, making little “tut-tut” noises.

“What?!” said Tooth Fairy.

“Looks like you’ve got yourself some worn wings there, missy.  When was the last time you had these wings serviced?”

“What does that matter to you?”

“Just saying that without regular servicing, seals wear out and wings lose tension and just don’t start.”

Tooth Fairy “humphed” and said, “Can you fix them?”

“I can, but not sure you’d get very far on them tonight.  I can order some replacement wings, but they won’t be in until tomorrow.  Seems like you’re grounded.”

Tooth Fairy “humphed” one more time, mumbled “Thanks” and stomped back inside to arrange new wings, her combat boots trailing snaky shoelaces.

And that’s why she didn’t arrive last night.

Big Balls

#FridayFlash – 27 August

The late afternoon sun began to dip lower over the horizon.  The sizzle of sausages and steaks intermingled with the squeals and shrieks of toddlers and young children riding bikes and running around.  Insect repellent and the onions on the grill was the eau de toilette.  The men had convened around the barbeque, beers in hand, while the women held court in the kitchen.

Jeff turned at the sound of a greeting and raised the barbeque tongs in salute.  Dave and Jenny entered through the side gate before they peeled off to the respective gender domains.  Lochie opened a beer for Dave before returning to the conversation of last night’s cricket match.

“Ponting took an absolute screamer of catch at first slip.”

“But it didn’t equal Clarkie’s catch in the deep,” said Pete.

Jeff kept turning the snags, pressing on the steaks and watching the juice pool against the bone.  “Yeah, but the bowling attack lacked any real focus.  Too short, too long, wide; they were bowling something shocking.”

The four mates kept dissecting the game and keeping a watchful eye on the kids.  The bouncing mass of bodies on the trampoline threatened to spill into boo-boos and owies.

“Careful there kids.  Only one at a time,” said Jeff.  “Hey Dave, you didn’t reply to my text last night.”

“Sorry, mate.  Just had a lot on my mind yesterday.”

“What’s up?”

“You know how I haven’t been feeling good lately?  Well, I went to the doctor yesterday to get the results of some blood tests.  There’s something wrong with my plumbing and the doc needs to go in and have a rummage around.”

“How serious are we talking here?” said Pete.

“Tests indicate prostate cancer.”

Inhaled expletives whispered between lips of men and beer bottles.

“Did the doc, like you know, have to check?” said Lochie.

“Yep, the whole bend-over-relax-this-might-feel-a-little-uncomfortable routine.”

Each man clenched involuntarily.
“How’s Jen coping with the news?”

Dave looked towards the kitchen window and saw Jen embraced by her friends, their own circle of strength.

“Yeah good.  She cried a bit last night after we called our folks to tell them the news.”

“How are you doing, though?” said Jeff.

“Ok, I guess.  Hasn’t really sunk in.  I just sat there with Jen as the doctor started talking about surgery and radiation therapy and I just nodded.  I won’t know how bad it is until he gets in there and has a look around.  I’m booked in for surgery next Friday.”

The sausages rolled on the hot plate as the sizzle of fat sparked spot fires off the grill.

“Well that makes what we’re cooking a little ironic,” said Jeff.
“Please don’t use the word ‘little’ when referring to my frank and beans,” said Dave.

“Come on, we’ve played footy together and we’ve showered together, that’s all I’m saying.”

“There might not be any beans to go with the frank after the surgery,” said Pete.

Lochie chimed in, “Hey I saw on Bondi Vet one night that a dog had, like, these plastic balls ‘cause he lost his.  Like a boob job, only for balls.”

“Not sure I like where this is going, Lochie,” said Dave.

“I’m just saying that you could maybe get some metal ones and we could call you ‘Iron Balls’.”

“I’m not having my balls removed.  At least not that I know of,” said Dave.

Lochie dashed over to the table and selected AC/DC from the pile of loose discs and cranked the volume.  Jeff, Pete and Dave nodded in time to the riff and broke into grins as they recognised the tune.  At the chorus, the boys sang along lustily.

“Oh, we’ve got big balls

We’ve got big balls

We’ve got big balls

Dirty big balls

He’s got big balls

She’s got big balls

But we’ve got the BIGGEST balls of them all.”

Their laughter overtook their singing.  The song over, Jeff raised his beer.  “Good health, mate.”

The toast was repeated and Dave nodded in appreciation before having the final word.

“Up ya bum.”

Ironic Punishment Department

[Fiction] Friday Challenge #167 for 6th August, 2010

Strains of Bobby McFerrin’s “Don’t Worry Be Happy” floated into the room.

Patrick Johnson listened as the dial tone engaged the number and began to ring.  His quickly scanned the table of brochures whilst seated at the Rock and a Hard Place Café.

“Hello, Ironic Punishment Department, please hold the line,” said a gravelly voice like tombstones sliding together.

Patrick began to mumble, “That’s okay,” before he was cut off and the strains of Bobby McFerrin crackled out of the receiver.  Patrick nodded his head to the rhythm of the song and began to sing along.  He was a verse and half in and was about to whistle along when he was interrupted.

“I’m sorry for the delay,” said the voice, “how can I be of assistance?”

“Well, I’m new down here and I was investigating the possibilities of where to spend eternal damnation,” said Patrick. “I was looking through the brochures and I wanted to know about the Ironic Punishment Department.”

“The Ironic Punishment Department specifically tailors purgatorial situations based on your individuality and personality.  For example, what was your occupation on the Earth above?” said the voice that would cause Linda Blair to be cleaning peas off the ceiling for a week.

“I was a teacher, a high school English teacher,” said Patrick.

“In that case, an ironic punishment would be that you had to take a substitute class on the last day of the school term, probably a PE lesson, and no matter how much you wish, that final bell will just not sound your release.  Just for kicks, we could make the day rainy and windy and have a full moon.”

“Oh I see,” said Patrick.

“And what was your favourite food?” said the voice like a hammer on nails.

“Strawberry iced doughnuts.”

“We could either send you on a quest for the perfect strawberry iced doughnut, and you never find it, or force-feed you until you can take no more.  Alternatively, you take a bite and it tastes like broccoli or boogers or something,” the voice like fingernails down a chalkboard continued.

“Did you play an instrument in your life above?  Because if you did, we have a special songwriter’s workshop about how to write lyrics that are ironic.” asked the voice with an edge of brimstone.

“Or how about that awkward moment when you give your mother-in-law a farewell embrace and you suddenly gain an erection? Perhaps not ironic, but certainly uncomfortable.  Do you remember ever having that dream where you realise that you are naked and you hope no one notices? ”

Patrick murmured a hesitant and nervous, “Yes.”

“That can also come true, should you wish,” said the voice of a fiery furnace.  “We also have a special Mother Won’t Be Happy To Hear What You Have Done program where you relive your childhood misdemeanors in front of your mother.  All those things that you denied doing, they have a way of coming back to bite you on the bum.  Do you have any questions?”

“No, I don’t, but you’ve given me a bit to think about.”

“The Ironic Punishment Department takes pleasure in your discomfort.  Please don’t hesitate to call if you need any more information,” said the voice that wouldn’t have been out of place fronting a death metal band.

“Thank you very much for your time,” said Patrick. He returned to his brochures and began absentmindedly to whistle the refrain of the hold music.

The Place of Forgotten Remembrances

[Fiction] Friday Challenge #166  for July 30th, 2010

A covert trip into an attic reveals something unexpected.

Jessica picked up the centrepiece of the cupboard, an unopened tin of food that had no label.  The edges showed flecks of rust, the sides spotted with black marks.

“Nanna, why don’t you ever open it?” said Luke, fifteen and Jessica’s older twin (by four minutes as he liked to point out).

“Because I like to keep it a mystery.  It could be anything in that tin.  Not knowing what’s in there makes it a mystery.  And we all like to have secrets that no one knows about.”

“Well, I’m going to set up a stand at the next school fete and charge people fifty cents to come and gawk at The Tin of Mystery.”  Luke waved his hands like a conjuror and broke into a laugh.

“Nanna, are we going to have chocolate barbarian cheesecake for dessert?” said Jessica.

“Yes, we are having chocolate Bavarian cheesecake for dessert.  Run along, but don’t go too far as lunch is almost ready.”

“We’d better go before Nannaggedon descends upon us,” said Luke as he walked out beside Jessica, fearful they would be given a job to do.

Sunday lunch at Nanna’s house was a ritual, a tradition that bound the family together.  The meal never varied, save for dessert.  A leg of lamb roasted with rosemary, baked potatoes, carrots and pumpkin, a tureen of peas you could swim in and a gravy boat slopping with a thick, brown sauce made from scratch (Nanna would never have used the powdered variety).

Nanna had rebelled from the austere, formal meals of her parents, preferring the chatter of children and the laughter of family to be shared as entrees and aperitifs alongside the soup.

“Hey, Jessica, come and check out the attic.”

“But we’re not supposed to go in there.”

“We won’t be long ‘cause lunch is finished and everyone else is busy cleaning up.”

Jessica followed Luke up the stairs and pushed open the door.  The air was stale and dry with a thin film of dust.

“Reckon we’ll find some shrunken heads, or even Christmas presents?” said Luke.

The attic was Nanna’s place of forgetful remembrances, a place to store miscellaneous trinkets and memories.  Luke spotted a cardboard box newer than the rest.  Peeling back the flaps he peered inside with Jessica over his shoulder.  On top rested a khaki officer’s hat, the army insignia a tarnished bronze.

“That must be Grandpa’s hat from the war,” said Jessica.  Luke picked up the hat to see what was beneath.

“It’s like a music box or a jewellery box,” said Jessica picking it up and opening the lid.  Inside was a brown paper bag.  Jessica unfolded the mouth of bag and drew out its contents: a sepia photograph, a lock of hair tied with white cotton and a postcard.

Jessica took the edge of the photograph and ran her finger around the edge.

“It looks like Nanna, but heaps young and what’s she holding?”
“Looks like a doll,” said Luke.
“Can’t be.   It’s a baby.”

The woman in the photograph wore a simple summer dress and cradled the baby who wore a lace bonnet and was dressed in a long smock.

“Do you reckon the baby in the photo is Mum?” said Luke.

“I’ve never seen this photo before in any of the photo albums.  So why have this one hidden away?”
Jessica turned the photograph over and on the back in pencil was written “December, 1940.”  “That’s seven years before Mum was born.”

“So was this Nanna’s younger sister or something?”
“I don’t know.  I thought she was the only girl with four brothers, but in this photo, Nanna is quite young and she was the last of the family.”

“Was it Nanna’s baby?” Luke said.

He turned the post card over and read the brief note, Dear Hazel, thanks for the photograph.  Wish that I could be there.  With love, Alfred.

“This must be from Grandpa during in the war.”

“But if it’s not Mum in the picture and it’s not a younger sibling, then who is it?” said Jessica.

“Could be a cousin or some other relative.”
“But it doesn’t make sense to keep a photo, a lock of hair and the postcard.  What if the baby was Nanna’s?  Before Mum?  If it is, why keep it a secret?”

“Maybe it’s like the tin in the cupboard?  A secret stays hidden because it’s meant to.”

The Red Balloon and My Black Dog

My black dog flumped onto my feet while I watched television, formed to the curvature of the couch, and in his mouth was the tattered remnants of my red balloon.

All afternoon I had watched him skulking around the back door, but he nuzzled his way in, eyeing off the red balloon that floated on the draughts through the cracks in the windows.

With a quick snap he had taken the balloon in his mouth and popped it.

He looked triumphant with his saggy jowls; that I was defeated and would not move from where I had taken up position.

The afternoon shadows crept like soul’s darkness across the floor, a marshy quicksand that sucks you down below into its depths.

However, my black dog tends to forget that I have a pocketful of red balloons.

Heads or Tails #2

[Fiction] Friday Challenge #163 for July 9th, 2010

In her right hand a woman holds a loaded gun, in her left, a coin that just came up ‘tails’…NOW WRITE…

HEADS

The sweat beaded in her palm, moistening her fingers and lubricating the trigger.  She could feel her grip loosen, yet she resisted the urge to wipe it away, maintaining her control.  She focused on her breathing, the sensation of oxygen consuming her lungs.  It heightened her senses: touch aroused a deeper longing.  The sound of her pulse echoed in her ears.  Sweat mingled with lingering bouquets of wine on her palette.

Her excitement increased as she fondled the pistol in her hand; her breath becoming shallower and more rapid.  With each sharp intake of breath her grip tightened on the trigger.  A final breath drawn in and she squeezed the trigger.  The recoil shuddered through her body, tantalising each fibre as the ripples swept out until they subsided.  Cordite wreathed like a necklace in the aftermath.

The two naked bodies collapsed into each other, rapid breathing raising and lowering their chests against each other until there was stillness.  Her hand lay the pistol on the table, where it beckoned her, reminded her, coaxed her.